It has been a year…in fact more than that. Somehow theory of
relativity is much more comprehensible than ever before. For a little more than
a year now, I’ve been dappling with being a woman...not just a fateful
happenstance, but by deliberate practice. I can’t really say I have perfected
the art of being a woman yet…have a long way to go. But yes, I’ve reached a
place I initially thought would be impossible for me to reach.
I cannot take credit for my humble achievements in my foray
into womanhood...very humble they are. There are so many potters in my life who
have applied their strength and art in shaping me up. I am nowhere close to
being the masterpiece that they aim to make me, but yes, I can for sure share
certain pearls of wisdom with the silly doves about to take The Plunge.
Here goes:
Ø Saasu Maa
is an oxymoron! :-P
Ø Pati
Parmeshwar is really that, Parmeshwar. If you are lucky, he’ll be your Sarthi
like Krishna was to Arjun in Mahabharata. If not, then he will expect to be
waited on hand and foot like some Lord and master.
Ø After
marriage, go bang your head against a wall (you will get many impulses to do
so, so you need not worry about how to bring it about) and forget all that you
have learnt in the 22-24 odd years of your existence. You are to embrace new
beliefs and disbeliefs without a demur.
Ø You are
to not just plant the seeds, but grow a tree of love for your new family within
seconds of saying “I do”.
Ø Saying
“I’m missing my family” somehow means that your new family ain’t keeping you
well. Especially your husband.
How
is that conclusion drawn? Please contact my PP for an explanation.
Ø Kitchen
is your territory and you have to conquer it you shall! Sumptuous food on table
= husband in your pocket.
Ø It is a
sin to make your husband cook and clean. If you are that kind of sinner, repent
by being as grateful as is humanly possible, and more. Also, clean up the
kitchen after him. It is another sin to expect him to clean up after himself. Isn’t
it enough that he cooked?!
Ø It is a
sin to be a career oriented woman. You have to pay for this sin by hearing your
family crib about the hardships they have to endure while you are having fun at
work and you also have to hear your boss condescend you for giving priority to
your family rather than work. Being a superwoman is an essential for the job
description of a wife. So forewarned is forearmed!
Ø It is
as invincible as the law of gravity that MIL, SIL and all the “in-laws” that
your MIL favours are always right. Daring to say a word against them is the
biggest sin ever. Hence, becoming partially deaf and blind and dumb is of
utmost importance.
Ø Your
husband can never go wrong. In the face of a conflict, it is your holy duty to
bow down with folded hands and say you are sorry for even entertaining the idea
that you might be right.
Ø Anticipating
your husband’s mood and acting accordingly is another very important duty.
Failing to do so is a cardinal sin. So be mindful!
Ø It is
your prime duty to know how many socks your husband owns, how many are washed
and kept in which place and how many are hanging on the drying line in your backyard,
how many of which colour he owns as well as which type. Same goes for
handkerchiefs, shirts and pants and the like.
Ø Please
do not be a typical wife…whatever that means or entails. That is another sin
you ought not to commit if you want stay up in your husband’s estimation.
Ø In
dowry, it is essential to bring your battery charger. At all times, you are to
stay charged upto at least 50%, if not more. You have to take prior permission
if you want to get discharged.
Ø Why is
Durga Maa worshipped? Because she manifested a number of hands that would come
handy in handling all the myriad tasks assigned to a woman. Your sins have
ensured you aren’t going to manifest as many hands, but you have to make sure
that the two you have are conditioned to take care of everything under the sun,
and beyond!
Ø It is
your duty to know when to be a lamb and when to be a tigress. Rest is
understood. I hope.
Although I am quite ashamed of the fact that I have
committed and I am committing many sins mentioned above and I am guilty of
dereliction of my duties to a great extent, my husband and even my new family still
somehow manage to love me. Now that I am sure is an accomplishment worthy of a
standing ovation! J
