At the beginning of this year, I was optimism personified. I thought I am the new age Bachendri Pal and Milkha Singh rolled into one...what is an Everest of problems and miles of rocky terrain in front of my perseverance and determination?!! Everything seemed conquerable and I had enough courage to embrace emotions that usually scare the hell out of me. My last blog post is evidence to that effect. So there I was, all brimming positivity and stupid smiles, thinking I am a Phenomenal woman (ha!). In the hindsight, I can see how God must have been laughing off at my foolish optimism and planning ways for putting it to test.
It indeed pains me to accept that this new and rejuvenated me did not last for very long. Life dished out ecstasy and I got too drunk on it to see where I was going, and then, BANG! I collided against the walls of reality and my fragile optimism got all banged up with me. It seemed like the end of the world got preponed from 2012 to 2011, and I am being judged and declared unworthy for everything that counts. However, this blog post is not about my sob story, but rather about my New Year resolution, which surprisingly I could keep and practice to a certain extent.
I welcomed 2011 with a promise to myself that I would give love and life a chance...that I would be courageous and face my feelings rather than try to shove them out of my mind. I am very proud to announce that I did keep my New Year resolution. I stopped being my usual cynical and dark self and embraced life head on and full on....but here comes kahani mein twist...life said, "How very PRESUMPTUOUS of you!!"
I was flummoxed. I could not fathom what I did to arouse such a reaction from life. Is it audacious of me to want a fairy tale? I don't think so!! So OK, I know I am far from perfect. I know I am not Santa's favourite kid by any stretch of imagination. But hey! I'd rather be the original and unadulterated version of myself than be a miss goody two shoes trying to walk in shoes two sizes smaller for appearances’ sake! I’d rather be an insolent girl (wonder if I am too old now to call myself a “girl” ;-)) who has the nerve to abandon her timidity and shame and insecurities for long enough to wish for the moon! I also threw that Paulo Coelho balderdash ("the whole universe conspires so that your wish may come true") back in the mocking face of life and told her to “suit up!” Of course such temerity and impudence came from the fact that I was riding high on the illusory ecstasy...yes (...sigh...) it was all an illusion.
In the ensuing time, my positivity and optimism and my courage were badly tested. I cried for my lost illusions and became my worst enemy. I closed the doors to my mind and my heart once again and started licking my wounds in relative privacy. But then, out of nowhere, dimaag ki batti jali and I could see everything in its right perspective once again. What brought this enlightenment? Don't have the faintest idea! I think it was just my intelligent and wise and rational self (heeeahaaaw!) asserting itself and reminding me that I can't go back now...I can't give up now...I cannot let the pathetic me win and that I have to fight hard to achieve victory for whatever teeny tiny bit of wise me is there in existence.
So here I am, in the middle of the year...making fervent efforts to continue with my New Year resolution. Yes I am scared because deciding to wear my heart on my sleeves would possibly make my poor dimaag ka dahi and dil ki chatnee. But then, I figured that only two fates can meet my heart when so exposed, first, it could find all it desires by letting the universe in on its secret recesses, or second, it'll learn to pick up its broken pieces and put them back together to become whole again. I refuse to entertain a third possibility!! Being vulnerable is not my favourite thing or even one of the agreeable things. But then, what other choice do I have? Becoming a Meena Kumari ain’t my thing…I can’t go around screaming “Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiii”. My feeble attempts at turning myself into a tortoise with a hard shell failed miserably…I realized that creating that hard shell around myself only made my movements slow and earned me the title of Rashpreet Kaur Kachhuaa from my Boss. Fortunately, hope has a way of finding a way into my heart...disappointment usually follows close behind, but someday, maybe, just maybe, my hopes might get fulfilled, and to reach that moment, I am ready to bear all the crap as the final victory would be mine and it would be so much sweeter! :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment